While I'm Waiting

Foster care sometimes feels like endless waiting.  Waiting for a call back from the Social Worker.  Waiting for the next court hearing.  Waiting for birth parent's confirmation on a visitation.  Waiting, waiting, waiting.  The child's case seems to move at a snail's pace with little sense of urgency.  These children wait many months and sometimes years to have  permanency in their lives.  It seems as though the waiting will never end.

For me, waiting comes with anxiety and anxiety comes with sleepless nights.  After years of tossing and turning and trying to settle my mind enough to sleep, I have finally found something productive to do during the waiting.  Prayer.  While I wait, I pray.  I pray for the social worker. I prayer for the judge.  I pray for the safety of my foster child.  I even pray for my foster baby's parents.  Yep, that's right.  I pray for them.  Everything inside of me is screaming to pray that they would lose rights to their child or that they would disappear. I so desperately want to manipulate my prayer to satisfy my own desires for my foster child.  Sometimes all I can muster is, " Lord keep my baby safe."  And then I wait some more. Prayer has helped to quiet my mind and calm my heart.  If the years of sleepless nights have done nothing but nudge me to spend more time in prayer, well then I'd say it's been worth it.

Fear

 This past weekend we launched our nonprofit. Surrounded by close friends and family, we shared our hearts and  vision for the shelter.  We've been taking some pretty big steps towards opening its doors for the past six months however this past weekend has made it frighteningly real. While we are so excited to make this dream a reality, the fear is almost crippling at times. What if we don't raise enough money? What if we don't find a house to hold the babies? What if the state of California doesn't approve of our group home?  So many what if's.

This process is reminding me a lot of our foster care journey. Compelled to help, yet almost paralyzed with fear.   We have had our foster daughter for almost a year now and if I let my mind wander to the unknown about her future, I am almost crippled with fear.   So instead of letting the fear take over, I just keep on loving her and taking small baby steps to fight for her and keep her safe. It's the same with the shelter,  instead of focusing on all that could go wrong with it, we are taking small baby steps towards opening the doors.   Every time my brain wants to wander into the fear of the unknown, instead I will think of the sweet babies sitting in their car seats in office buildings all over LA County just waiting to find a foster home.   They deserve to be loved and held during those scary moments.  If I just curl up in a ball on the floor,  not helping for fear of failure, I am doing a great injustice to those little babies.  The same goes for my foster daughter. I will fight for her until there is no fight left. My fear for her will not overshadow my fight for her.

 So yes, we are shaking in our boots. That's not going to stop us. As long as our feet keep moving towards our goal, the fear can nag at us all it wants.